A girl. A journey. A new start.
The dictionary defines ‘luck’ as “the force that seems to operate for good or ill in a person’s life, as in shaping circumstances, events, or opportunities“.
Until recently, I would get agitated when something good happened to me and someone would say, “oh wow, you are so lucky”. The reason for this, in my mind, was pretty simple. I have worked hard for the things I have achieved or acquired and I believe that those cannot and should not be discounted to mere luck.
I have not updated this blog in a very long time and to my followers, I apologise. I spent weeks trying to figure out how I would explain this to you without sounding like I am making excuses. I figured the plain truth would suffice for a few reasons:
1. I started this blog to connect with people and touch people’s lives.
2. I pride myself in being an honest individual. Some people like it, some don’t….and that is perfectly fine with me.
3. This blog is about telling my story. No one’s story is a fairy tale and sometimes you have to share the not-so-pretty.
The weeks since my last blog were tough. As a result I could not bring myself to write as I did not want to rant or be negative. I had an extremely bumpy ride with people who were really close to my heart and it felt like someone had abruptly pulled the Persian rug I so loved from under my feet, leaving me to do a backflip and land on my back, slightly cracking my spinal cord. Yes, it was that painful.
I remember always listening to people (usually when going through unexpected tough times) saying ‘life is so fickle’, and in my mind I would always think, “Oh come on. How dramatic of you. It can’t be that bad. Just get up and move on”. But the truth is that when you are standing face to face in a stalemate with people who have been an important and consistent part of your life for a long time, someone has to end it. It was the hardest and probably one of the most painful periods I have ever had to endure in my life. Even more than that, it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Then you suddenly realise, life is that fickle, people are that fickle, it is that bad, and it’s not that easy to just get up and move on’.
This certainly made breaking up with a first love seem like a walk in the park really *chuckle*.
But then I remember the day it started turning around again. I went to see my mentor and even though she was 2,5 hours late, I uncharacteristically waited for her. I just knew I had to see her, and boy am I glad I waited. Amongst the many lessons I took from that day, the one that stood out the most was:
‘The most painful experiences teach us life long lessons. When people refuse to understand you, they will try to destroy you.’
She made me repeat after her ‘I would rather be hated for the person I am than be loved for the person I am not‘…..so many times that I started crying.
She made me go through all the people in my life who loved me and accepted me just as I am; with my flaws. And as I recited all the names of those sisters, my mother, extended mothers and fathers, true friends and myself, I realised that I had more than enough to stop crying and wondering how much less of myself I could be, to be understood.
I walked out of there knowing that I would not be a people pleaser. For those of you who know me, it goes without saying that I am not a people pleaser, but I do have an extremely weak spot for people I consider dear to me. However, I walked out of there understanding that I would never again for any type of relationship in my life sacrifice even the slightest bit of who I authentically am, to please another human being despite how important or treasured they were to me.
I have to be honest and say it is still tough and the wounds are still raw. Some days I wake up and well up with tears when I think back. But those days are becoming fewer and farther in between. And now when someone says to me, “Geez, you are lucky to have the mother/friends/family/neighbours you have,” I respond with “Oh, that I am:-)”. To have these few treasured souls in my life can only mean that ‘the force operating for good’ is on my side; and that is good LUCK. God knows I needed it….
All I ask you to do for yourself from this moment on, is Be.Authentically.You. Not everyone is going to like it or love it, but those who accept and love you as you are, few as they may be, are all you need.